I'm sick of being the nice one

That's right! I am!

Since like, how many months ago, I've had a.... misunderstanding with an internet friend. I'm not going to name her, though those who knows me might know. Oh shoot. I just gave away her gender.

But anyway! We had a one-sided fight. She started ignoring me, right? I don't have a clue on what I did wrong. I tried how many ways to talk to her, but she still ignored me. On MSN, she flippin' blocked me. A lot of my internet friends are her friends as well, so once, when we had a huge convo, she was 'offline' to me. At first, I thought she was just 'appear offline', but when I asked a friend whether she was online to them, they said that she was online. So I came to a conclusion that she blocked me. Or deleted me. Either way, I was hurt. I didn't even know what I did to her, and now she's being mean to me? I tried messaging her in Facebook, saying that even though I don't know what I did, I was sorry. I told her to forgive me and stuff, but what did I get in return? That's right! She deleted me in Facebook as well! I've been asking my friends to ask her what I did wrong, because if I just knew what I did, then maybe I'd accept that our friendship was over. But I don't know. To this date, I'm still wondering why she started ignoring me. God. I hope she reads this.

Seriously. I've been trying, trying to talk to her in numerous ways. For months, I've been hoping that we would be back to being friends again. In our group convos with our mutual friends, I've been trying to talk to her, but she keeps on ignoring me! I tried talking to her by reviewing her fics. I have! When she first review-replied, I was so happy, I couldn't contain my happiness. I'm serious, I was at the edge of my seat, giggling like an idiot. I thought that finally, we would be back to being friends again. That finally, our mutual friends wouldn't be worried about us not being friends anymore. That finally, this worry over fighting with her would be over. But I thought wrong. Whenever she review-replies, it always seems like she's being forced to do it, so I don't even bother to PM her back, because I'd be wasting my time. And don't you dare tell me that I should've PM'ed her, because I know that she won't reply. I guarantee you she won't reply. She hates me that much.

So the hope of being friends with her was shattered once again. In my FFN profile, I included her in my friend's list, saying that 'I still consider her my friend', because back then, i did consider her as my friend. But now?

I'm tired.

I'm tired of always being the nice one, always having to make peace on the fights that I didn't even start. I'm tired of always having to say sorry when I haven't done anything wrong. I'm tired. I'm just tired. I deleted her in my friend's list in my FFN profile. Every time I see her penname or even her name in FFN, I always have to cringe. She had that effect on me. I used to really like her as my friend. But now I realized what her personality truly is. You know what? I don't even care if I'm not her friend anymore. I'm done. I've done my part on trying to make this friendship work. I'm DONE trying to apologize. Because it seems like every time I apologize, it falls on deaf ears. Or, in this case, it falls on... a blind eye? LOL.

But yeah. If you're reading this, xxxxx, I don't want you to feel bad. Maybe I have done something terribly wrong, and you just suddenly wanted to be a bitch to me. Or, maybe, you just plainly hated me, or you found me annoying. I don't know. But either way, I consider our friendship as if it never even took place. No, actually, I can't pretend that it didn't, because that would always be a scar to me. That would always hurt every time I think about it. That would most likely be a trauma to me. I don't know. Maybe I'm overreacting. But heck, if you would have just told me what I did wrong, then maybe I'd have left you alone. Not hassle you on forgiving me, which most likely made you hate me more.

Guys, I'm not asking for pity here. God, that's the last thing I want. I just want to share my thoughts. That's what a blog is for, right? :))

Have a good day, everyone! And sorry about rambling on you like that. It's selfish, I know.

She loves you,

Janikka.